Roommate living can be one of the biggest adjustments for a new student. Drawing upon many years of professional and personal experience, Tyler Hale, Associate Director of Community Standards for Residence Life at UP, shares how parents can help their students navigate the world of community living. Read his heartfelt article below.

Confession: I never had to share a bedroom until I went to college. Even though my freshman year was 14 years ago I remember fearfully wondering if my outrageously loud snoring would make my roommate hate me! I am happy to report that it didn’t. Or rather, it mostly didn’t. Sure, we had our frustrations and arguments and a brief but memorable passive-aggressive note-leaving phase, but getting the opportunity to go back and skip all of those awkward roommate conversations in order to have my own room would have meant that I would never have gotten to know Matt. We both had older sisters; we both snored (although I was louder); he rode dirt bikes, I rode a road bike (wearing the awkward but obligatory spandex shorts!); he studied business and I did theology; I had a Britney Spears calendar, he…did not.

I have spent most of my professional career working in residence halls and helping students navigate the awkward moments that inevitably happen when two or more humans begin to share space together. I have seen everything from differences in sleep schedules to irreconcilable differences in values. In almost all cases, the roommates learn a little about themselves and a lot about living with another person. I imagine it must be extremely hard to watch your students navigate the tough waters of living with roommates; I also know that some roommate situations can’t be solved with a Breathe Right strip and nasal spray.

If you will indulge me, I’d like to share two things:

1) We know how hard it can be to watch from the sidelines. In an era of Snapchat and texting, parents are sometimes aware of a roommate problem even before the offending student is! Standing back and giving your student that space to discover their own solutions can be really hard. Thankfully, they don’t have to do it alone. Encourage them to talk with their RA or, better yet, talk with their roommate! When you give them the space to “own their own solution” you are supporting them!

2) For students, and for those watching from the sidelines, the elusive single bedroom can feel like the Holy Grail of housing possibilities: impossible to find, but life-saving if acquired. For years, we have had anecdotal and quantitative evidence that points to just the opposite. Roommates, and the good, bad, and ugly that comes with them, are one of the best catalysts for your student’s learning, retention, and growth! Encourage them to “press in” and have the tough conversations rather than seeking a new room assignment. October is the end of the “honeymoon” phase of living with a roommate; people let their guards down, and it gets harder to ignore that thing that has bothered you since day one. We need your help telling your student that this is a normal part of living with another person. Talking about your problems is a good and mature part of growing up, and their RAs are there to help them have those conversations!

Encourage your student to talk to their roommate about frustrations and annoyances. Even more importantly, encourage them to listen to their roommate when they share about their frustrations and annoyances. Students can sometimes feel robbed of an experience if they don’t get to tell the magical story of how their freshman roommate was the Best Man in their wedding, but those are the outliers. Living with Matt, my freshman roommate, was a generally good experience, but we weren’t best friends. Encourage your student to have realistic expectations about their roommate and cheer them on when they choose to engage them in conversation. My current roommate and I have been married for over ten years, and although I don’t always get it right, I think living with Matt helped me grow into the kind of person that is quick to apologize and who is comfortable being honest with her about the things that frustrate me. Engaging in a conversation isn’t always easy, but we think that is what living in community is all about!

Tyler Hale currently serves as Associate Director of Community Standards for Residence Life at UP. Tyler holds a bachelor’s degree from George Fox University in religious studies and a master’s degree in religion from Yale University in New Haven, CT. Prior to his employment at the University of Portland, Tyler served as a student life fellow, providing spiritual and multi-religious programming for graduate students at Yale University.