Right now your student may be experiencing a wide range of emotions, from the joy and excitement of preparing for college, to feelings of fear and anxiety as they continue to navigate the effects that COVID-19 have had on their education plans. Although these emotional responses are normal, some individuals may begin to feel stuck in their fears, or avoid acknowledging their feelings and struggles during this time of uncertainty.

As parents, it is important to recognize that now is a time during which you can help prepare your student for college (and how that looks during the pandemic) in a way that fosters their growth and resilience.

It will be helpful to encourage your student to learn how to face and cope with their various emotional responses. Listen actively to your student’s feelings in a way that is empathic and nonjudgmental. Validate your student’s feelings by letting them know it is okay to feel anxious, overwhelmed, and confused about their college experience. At other times, ask them about their positive emotions – what they are feeling good about and grateful for at this pivotal time in their life.

For students who will be taking mostly online courses this spring, remember that they are going through a significant developmental change into young adulthood, even if they will still be living at home. As parents, we want to encourage them to grow as young adults by giving them some distance and allowing them to establish their own schedule for studying and sleeping. Recent surveys indicate that college students do not want their parents asking them a lot of questions about their homework or daily schedule.

The academic workload and challenges in college are very different than in high school, so it may take your student some time to adjust. Be patient and respect that they will need to focus on their studies. Even if they live at home, they may not be available to do spontaneous activities with the family, so work with them to spend time together in a way that fits well with their schedule.

Here are other tips for how to support your student:

• Ask open-ended questions to help your student practice effective problem-solving skills during challenging times in college. Examples: “What do you think you should do about that problem? What are your options? What are the pros/cons of that idea?”
• Emphasize the importance of practicing good self-care and monitoring their own physical and emotional health regularly.
• Help your student create time and space to identify and feel their emotions, such as anxiety and fear, rather than avoiding them.
• Encourage them to seek social support or positive distractions (such as music, exercise, or books/movies) if their emotions feel overwhelming at times.
• Students needing mental health support can contact the University’s Health and Counseling Center at 503.943.7134 to make an appointment with a counselor.

As parents, it may take time to adjust to this upcoming transition, so carve out consistent time to care for yourself as your student gets ready for college. By taking good care of yourself and prioritizing your personal health, you will be better equipped to support your student and model effective ways to manage stress.

Here are tips for your own self-care:

• Be gentle with yourself and your routine as you initially adjust to your student being in college.
• Strive to cultivate quality social connections with friends and family members for general support, and for those moments when you need to talk through your own reactions and needs.
• It is also common for parents to experience a wide range of emotions during this time, including excitement, worry, sadness, and grief. It is a time of separation; make sure to provide yourself some time to process these different reactions.
• Limit your exposure to constant news updates, and be selective about what you see and hear during this time of adjustment.
• Learn to accept uncertainty and change, and strive to live in the moment, appreciating simple but valuable moments in your day. This is a good practice for all of us!
• Focus on what is within your personal control, such as healthy eating, exercising, focusing on what’s important to you, and trying something new or creative to explore other sides of yourself.

As parents, we ultimately want to support our children throughout college, and help them learn ways to effectively manage life’s challenges. Here at the UP Health & Counseling Center, we understand that during these uncertain times, you will also need support and a clear focus on your own physical and mental health. We are wishing all UP students, families, and community members well as we navigate this outbreak together.

Dr. Carol Dell’Oliver is a licensed clinical psychologist with extensive experience in college counseling, supervision, and clinical leadership, as well as in providing outpatient mental health services to adolescents and young adults in private practice settings. She is currently the Director of the Health and Counseling Center at the University of Portland.

It would have been a lot easier had I just been honest with my parents from the get go.

I arrived on The Bluff in August of 1994 as a first-year mathematics major, with my choice of study attached to a four-year, full-ride Air Force ROTC scholarship. The son of a retired Air Force colonel, I was armed with a nicely crafted narrative about how I would follow in my father’s footsteps and graduate in four years as a commissioned officer in the United States Air Force. I embarked on my first semester with the same hope that many 18-year-olds have: to make my parents proud of me.

I loved UP from the outset. I loved feeling as though I fit when I walked across campus to my classes. I loved the quirky, unique definition of brotherhood I experienced in the residence hall that was my new home. I loved my new job as the student manager for the men’s basketball team. I loved how my professors knew each of us by name and seemed genuinely excited to have us stop by their offices with questions seeking clarity about that day’s lecture. I loved it all. Except for that one nagging truth that I kept trying to ignore – I hated Tuesdays.

I experienced internal disequilibrium each Tuesday morning as I put on my ROTC uniform and marched off to my 8:10 a.m. Calculus class. Each passing week, my dissatisfaction as an ROTC cadet grew stronger with the same intensity as my contentedness for my larger UP community. How could I reconcile this place that I loved with the truth that my nicely crafted narrative was false? How would I tell my parents that I wanted to walk away from a full-ride scholarship AND that I desperately wanted to stay at this private University for three more years? I felt like I was fully myself except when I put that uniform on every Tuesday morning.

As the weeks went by, I knew I had to tell my parents that I didn’t want to continue in ROTC. I dreaded that conversation for fear of both the outcome it might produce (i.e., that I wouldn’t continue at UP) and how my dad would take the news. I strategically dropped some hints with my mother, knowing that she’d help pave the way for a conversation. One Sunday night on our weekly check-in call, Mom served it up for me. I just dove in and told them that I wasn’t happy. And the greatest thing happened. My Dad told me, “Life is too short to continue doing things that don’t bring you joy. All your mom and I want is for you to be happy. We will support whatever you choose to do.” The fear of the conversation was much worse than the conversation itself. What my parents impressed upon me that Sunday evening is a source of strength that I continue to draw on to this day.

That strength brought me right back to UP as both a professor and now as the Director of Alumni & Parent Relations. In my years as a mathematics professor, I’ve encountered many first-year students in my Calculus courses who don’t seem quite content with their prescribed future careers as engineers, physicists, or mathematicians. The vast majority of the time, our conversations during office hours reveal that the student has clarity on their desire to change their major, but a lack of certainty about how to broach that conversation with their parents. Though I can only speak to my own experience, I encourage them to consider that their parents likely only want one thing – the same thing my parents wanted for me – happiness.

Honest discernment about the path forward is what makes life so rich and full. The major that a student starts with is just that – a starting point. Their experience as a college student is what leads them to their life’s vocation.

While your student is home during winter break, take a few minutes to check in and see how they’re feeling about their experience thus far. Remind your student that a lot of people change their path in life – in fact, that’s the exciting part of living! Let them know that it’s okay to have doubts, to switch gears, or to pursue a different field of study or career path. It’s ok to ask for help and to lean on their UP community. Remind them that you are proud of them just as they are. Follow my dear mother’s lead and pave the way for those conversations. Your student will be eternally grateful for the opportunity to share their thoughts with you and seek your guidance.

P.S. If your student is considering a new major or career path, you can also encourage them to check out these great resources provided by the Career Center.

Craig Swinyard Ph.D. ’98 graduated from UP with a degree in mathematics. During his undergraduate days, Craig was actively involved as an RA in Villa Maria Hall during his junior and senior year. Craig returned to The Bluff in 2008 as a faculty member in the mathematics department and continues to teach in addition to his role as Director of Alumni & Parent Relations.